Monday, November 12, 2012

Saying Goodbye

After Jason's Doctorate orientation at UNLV we drove to St. George to drop him off at his new temporary home. His parents have a vacation home in St. George and very generously offered it to Jason so he could start his schooling.  Our original plan was to all move down to Vegas in August so that Jason could start school and we could get all of the children enrolled in Vegas schools, but that didn't work out.  We had planned to live off student loans during the Doctorate program, but Jason found out he is allowed to work full-time while in school, so we decided not to move until he found a job.

Because of our decision, that meant that we had to say goodbye to each other at the end of the orientation trip and that was one of the most heart-wrenching, difficult things we have had to do in our marriage! It was a Sunday morning and we attended Jason's new ward together (actually it was Stake Conference and his new Bishop spoke so we introduced ourselves afterward).  When we got home from Church we packed everything up and got ready to say goodbye.  We had already been having a series of emotional moments together anticipating this one final moment and when we embraced as everyone was getting in the car, we just held each other and cried. (Jason is not really a crier so it was very tender and almost more difficult for me to see him so emotional.)  We just kept hugging and kissing and crying. Corbyn and Kelsea were the only children there, so Jason had already had the difficult task of saying goodbye to the younger children when we left to drive him down.  Brianna took it the hardest, by far, and was so emotional we almost didn't think we would be able to leave her behind while we went on the trip. (She eventually got better and was fine.)

Anyway, as Jason said goodbye to Kelsea and Corbyn, he also cried but tried to be really strong so that they would not feel bad.  Kelsea felt the emotion, but didn't really cry because she is not a crier.  Corbyn did pretty well, but once we were in the car and we started to drive away, he lost it.  I lost it too!  Looking at Jason out the window and seeing him standing there all alone not knowing when we would be able to see each other again and knowing that he would be all alone in that house took me to an emotional place I'd rather not go to again.  I just cried and cried!  Corbyn then started to feel awful and said, "Mom, something's wrong.  I don't like this feeling."  I think he was experiencing emotions he really had never felt before and it was super hard on him. He said he had never seen us cry like that before and he felt really weird inside.  As soon as I heard that and Jason was out of sight, I realized I had to buck up fast and quit crying because my sweet Corbyn was not able to handle it.  I immediately tamed my emotions and started comforting Corbyn.  I knew we had a four hour drive ahead and I wanted Corbyn to be okay. 

After a lot of talking and helping Corbyn to know that everything would be fine (40 minutes later) he started to feel better and we made our way home.  My mom was with us on this trip and we were in her car so as she drove, I just looked out the window and tried not to cry the whole way home.  It didn't work because I was just SO sad to not have Jason with us!  I knew that we would not be able to afford to visit each other often and the thought of being a part was unbearable.  I remember thinking over and over, "how in the world did my mom do it when my dad died?"  How did she do it?  I cannot imagine losing a spouse to death and not being able to talk to them or hold them ever again.  Oh, there were so many feelings and emotions that went through my head as we traveled home and it was a long 4 hours. 

When we finally got home and I picked up the children, it was a difficult drive back to our house.  All I could think about was walking into the house and not having Jason there.  I got emotional again, but I was really careful to not let the children see it.  I felt immense sadness and lonliness and I did not like it.  I knew that it would be okay though so as I knelt in prayer that night I thanked Heavenly Father for this experience and asked that I would grow from it, which I know I will.

It has been  three months now and we have still not been able to find work in Las Vegas.  Jason has an MBA and has been very successful in his business career so we are not sure why he has not found work yet, but we are still hopeful that something will come up soon and that we will be able reunite our family.  It is not fun living a part, but it is getting easier.  We have only been together four times since he moved in August and that is the pits - thank goodness we have been able to do that much though!  I feel very blessed.

We get asked a LOT when we are moving and I just have to tell people the same thing every time . . . we have no idea :)  We are just being very prayerful and hopeful that something will come up soon and we are learning to trust in the Lord.  I have to say, I sure have a strong testimony of tithing, because we have not had a job for awhile and we are still able to make our payments and feed our family.  We are truly blessed in our lives and I could not be more thankful to our Heavenly Father than I am now for all that lies ahead.  I am very excited for our future and I know it is going to be great. (I will say, you sure appreciate what you have a whole lot more when it is taken from you for awhile!!! I cannot reiterate that enough.)

Life is good and the Barkers are doing well.

No comments: